Beauty Detective
I don't like feeling unattractive. Whether it be because I haven't showered in a few days and I'm starting to get a little ripe, or because my attitude has taken a nose-dive and I'm taking it out on the human closest in proximity. I don't think anyone enjoys feeling unattractive. We're social creatures who want other people to desire our presence.
One particularly unattractive movement for me happened during first nap I took with my husband back when we were dating. It was ten years ago and we'd been dating for a few months-it was getting more serious, but was still pretty new. My sweet grandfather who'd been diagnosed with Sundowners Dementia was admitted to the hospital. Sundowners just means you experience your dementia symptoms more intensely at night (confusion/paranoia/fear/etc). We knew it would be easier for him if someone he knew was there in case he woke up in the night. Due to some of the drugs he was on, he would also hallucinate. So he and I spent most of the night waving at the "red balloons" in the "parade" instead of sleeping.
The next morning, Matt picked me up early and took me straight to look at apartments because my lease was up the following week and I *still* hadn't found a new place. We looked until around 3:30pm, then headed back to his condo where he cuddled up with me so I could take a little nap. When I woke up, I realized my cheek was wet. I groggily picked my head up off his shoulder and realized with horror that there was a HUGE, wet, drool spot on his chest. It was the size of my freaking hand!!!! I turned to the clock and saw it was past 7:00pm. As in-I'd been asleep like that for over THREE HOURS!!! As I'm taking in each little horrific nugget of information, I realize that Matt is awake and is starting to chuckle. Turns out, he didn't sleep AT ALL and had been awake the entire time. He then (still chuckling) says, "do you always snore like that?" OMG...OMG...OMG!!!!!!
That is most definitely NOT how I pictured my first nap with Matt going. I'd imagined gently drifting to sleep cuddled up together. Him waking before me to silently take in my beautiful, sleeping face. My hair spilling perfectly over the pillow, skin luminous, cheeks slightly flushed, lashes long, breath somehow minted. NOT mouth open, drooling like a faucet, sawing logs like my father while Matt looked on for over three hours.
Now, Matt doesn't look back on that memory of me as unattractive. He says for him it was sweet and intimate and he was thankful I was getting the sleep I needed. I'm pretty sure he was met with an impressively dramatic eye-roll from me. The thing is it doesn't matter how much Matt means it. In that moment, he could've performed a one-man show about my beauty complete with singing, tap-dancing and glitter, but if I don't feel attractive there's no way I'm going to believe him.
How women feel about themselves matters. A lot. This is the reason I tell my clients who are gifting their images to their man that he isn't my client. A quick iPhone pic of you half dressed would thrill them. No, my client is the woman in front of me. She's who I want to reveal her beauty to. That's why the medium I use is so important-she won't believe me telling her she's beautiful either! Nope. She needs to decide for herself. I'm like the detective. My job is to survey the scene and take pictures of the evidence. Then she can piece together everything I've gathered and conclude that she is indeed beautiful. Attractive. Alluring. Worthy. Enough. Beautiful.