A Love Letter
This year I did something I've never done before. I loved myself well. Last year was the most difficult of my entire life. Going through a divorce really does wreck your soul. I had a moment, in the midst of it all, when I was having a particularly difficult day. I was in the bathroom washing my hands and afterwards I made eye contact with myself in the mirror. I remember placing my hands on the sink, leaning forward and looking at my tired eyes that mirrored exhaustion from the depths of my soul. The feeling of not only being spread too thin, but wrung out. As if every ounce of joy was drained from my body.
But at the same time, I was also proud. Proud of how I showed up. Proud I kept my integrity intact. Proud the way you are after a grueling workout that you somehow managed to hang on through. I locked eyes with myself in the mirror and promised myself that 2022 would be the best year of my life. If I had to hold it down by the throat to make sure that happened, I would.
And I did.
It was just supposed to be a year of yes. A year where I intentionally put my resources (time/energy/finances) towards anything that brought me joy. Some of those experiences were grand gestures to myself. I did a boudoir session in DC to celebrate how sexy I am. I did a 100 day trip around the world (literally went to Colombia, Argentina, Chile, Peru, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Iceland, Spain, Portugal, Montenegro, and Greece in 100 days). I got dolled up and ate dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant in a high-rise in Thailand by myself. I saw 30+ sunsets. I had tango lessons and danced until 4am. I bought myself two pairs of Louboutins. I got up at sunrise to walk from Fira to Oia when I was in Santorini. I hiked 7 waterfalls in Asia. I had a horseback lesson from a gaucho in Argentina. I enjoyed a private tour to Machu Picchu. I visited an elephant sanctuary where I got to feed them their snack. I took care of myself when I got a tooth infection in Vietnam. I sipped cava in Barcelona and savored egg tarts in Lisbon. I hugged my best friend and savored my time with her 4 boys.
But I also showed up for myself in far more important ways. I said "no" when it was too much. I slept in when I needed more rest. I picked the prettiest coffee cup in the morning. I made space to sit outside and watch the birds at the bird feeder. I read wonderful books-both non-fiction and fiction. I let conversations I was enjoying linger. I turned up songs that resonated with my soul-whether that meant dancing alone in my kitchen or leaning my head back on a pillow. I moved my body for the sake of joy, not just to burn calories. I made more space for people in my life who love me well. I took an extra-long hot bath or shower. I connected with God and the way He sees me as His child.
I thought it would just be this year. A one-off. Just something that I did for myself that one time. But I didn't know that my entire soul would shift to become my own best friend. This one decision has changed me forever. I'll never go back to the woman I was before. The woman who judged everything I did. Constantly pushing to be better and better based on a metric I never agreed to. I am enough. MORE than enough, just as I am. And you are too, you just may not know it yet.
